Has thou not heard of the new item being sold on this site? The immortal powers to be (the lackeys) are calling it Pin'th the tail on the stump; with the stump being the fine rump of Tom or Ray; thou's choice.
Remember Boycott National Car Care Month and keep it holy. Eleven months, through animal hair, soccer season and university moving shalt thou commute, clean and detail; but in the the last shalt thou rest on thy royal rumpus and honor the month.
Though shalt not clumpeth for the CHP is my shepherd
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors lane only whenst it
be holy to him and whenst he giveth the lane unto
thee, thou shalt taketh the damned thing.
Thou shalt getteth thine vehicle unto the far
righteous lane whenst thou turneth the righteous way.
Lest thou causeth mine vehicle to wait what seemeth an
eternity.
Thou shalt not speedeth up to preventeth mine vehicle
from entering the kingdom of freeway.
Whenst I cross the road to heaven in dark robes, I
walk in the valley and the shadow of death.
Whenst the lord said "let their be light" he meant not
beams from on high whenst opposing traffic cometh
Thou shalt not displayeth thine bumper scroll telling
of thine student of the month even whenst it be thine
only begotten son.
Thou shalt not picketh thine proboscis seeking the
glory of heaven whenst thou hast only a windshield to
cloak thee.
Let only he who has never erred in his carriage
flippeth off he who has.
Thou shalt not tread too mightily upon thy brakes in
thine fast lane lest chevy begat honda and honda
begat lexus and lexus begat toyota and toyota begat
audi and audi begat mustang and mustang begat hummer
etc.
Though shalt not lead us to temptation with thine red
parking flags
Our car which art in heaven, totalled be thy name.
In the beginning there was new car smell, Now all the
frankinsense and Myrrh in Bethlehem couldst not hide
thy stench
The light hast changeth, dost thou wait for the second
coming of the lord?
Thine followers shall praise hallelujah whenst my lord
useth thine turn out lane
Thou shalt not drinketh the blood of Christ, then be
pulled over and made to walk the straight and narrow.
Thou shall not judge the oil companies, thou shalt not buy gas from a major oil company (you select) and thus force it to lower the price from their abundance and the other flocks shall do so in competition.
Well, you guys must be as infallible as old "Rat," or if you're inclined, Pope Benedict the XAZYVUT. I think you covered the commandments of the road, so I started to think, ... where to I go when I'm on the road and why limit the commandments to just the road?
Maybe we need more for the places we end up after driving a while (jail excluded). So here's my commandments for "Grocery Store Shopping" since I usually end up there once a week anyway (and that's one more time each week than I end up in a Catholic Church).
A former Catholic seminarian
Bob Rink
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
“Grocery Shoppers” Ten Commandments
1. Thou shalt not let the melons become an occasion of sin; therefore, only women shall be allowed to shop for and touch the melons.
2. Thou shalt not let the cucumbers become an occasion of sin; therefore, only men shall shop for and touch the cucumbers.
3. Neither shalt the men touch the cucumbers, nor the women touch the melons, in a manner to give scandal to the other (or if intrinsically disordered, to themselves).
4. Honor thy baker and thy meat packer, to say nothing of thy wine and beer steward.
5. Thou shalt not kill the fattened lamb; let the meat packer do that and you’ll enjoy eating it a whole lot more.
6. Thou shalt keep gluttonous the grocery shopping day.
7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s steaks.
8. Thou shall not bear false witness (i.e. lie) about the freshness of the strawberries.
9. Thou shalt keep holy the lettuce; for it was what covered Adam’s and Eve’s privates.
10. Thou shalt not cut the cheese at the grocery store; for God’s sake, can’t you wait until you get home!
Thou shalt not abuse thy turn indicators by leaving them blink for mile after weary mile unless thou doth turn at the appointed place. Thy false witness thus displayed doth bring much hatred and despair amongst thy companion travelers, causing them to wish,nay pray, the fleas of a thousand camels to find happiness in your body hair.
Whine ye not upon receiving traffic tickets lest thine coworkers, spouses and neighbors tell thee exactly how richly thou deservest them, and Lo, that they are surprised that thou hast not incurred multitudes of summonses, fines and warnings. Hang thine head low, payest thou thy fines, and FOLLOW THE COMMANDMENTS for generations upon generations to come, becoming a good example to thine community.
THOU SHALT LEARN THE MEANING OF THE WORD "MERGE" AND PRACTICE THE ACT OF BLENDING INTO THE FREEWAY TRAFFIC AT A RESPECTABLE SPEED.
OR
THOU SHALT NEVER STOP AT THE END OF AN ENTRANCE RAMP AND EXPECT OTHERS TO TAKE PITY ON YOU.
Thou Shalt Not;
Shave with Floating Heads cordless shaver while picking spinach outta teeth while sipping decaf mocha hazelnut ammachiado espresso while eating marshmallow/ asparagus quiche while talking on cell phone while turning left onto ANY road.
Amen and A-Women!!
I should amend my last commandment to say: Thou should not speed up to make it through the yellow light from afar. Only speed up to make it though a stale green when thou is in the intersection."
07/08/2007 6:59:59 PM
